Beau travel magazines very own"Housewife, Superstar and Travel Guru" Dame Ivana Travelalott answers all your Travel Conundrums 

Dear Ivana


Our regular Brussels tour guide failed to turn up last week, so I conducted the tour myself.  We stood outside everywhere and didn’t go in - it’s cheaper that way.  Unfortunately there were some complaints, which seems unreasonable, given that without my help we’d have all gone home empty handed?


Dear Nigel Forrage


Being tour guide is much like driving car.  You sometimes turn to right, you sometimes turn to left, you sometimes go straight ahead.  From the notes you sent with your letter, I see you mainly asked everyone to turn to the right, then turn to the right, then turn to the right.  It’s possible some of your party have now turned so far to the right that they ended up turning to the left, and missed the point of what you were saying.  Quite apart from being a pain in the neck, this can lead to disenchantment with the whole Brussels experience.  I suggest that you resign from stand-up tour guide.  They’ll soon miss you and ask you to come back again.

Dear Ivana


My convent upbringing was cruelly exposed on a recent fam trip, when I came last in the cocktail challenge.  My Tequila Sunrise was more of a shepherd’s warning, and my Long Sloe Comfortable was anything but.  How can I avoid such embarrassment in future?


Dear Miss Congeniality


Practice is only way, Darlings.  As I say to Mr Ivana only yesterday evening:  More, more, more!  Practice, practice, practice!  This is especially true for you, having such a wasted childhood.  Those nuns mean well, but they can be so cruel; depriving a young girl of all the life skills that she will need when Mother Superior is not around to show you what should be shaken and what should be stirred.  Don’t worry, practice plying all your friends with alcohol and, in no time, you’ll be handling their twizzle sticks like professional.

Dear Ivana


As modern airliners cruise eight miles high, should I be ready to go flaps up during the climb to altitude or wait to put the undercarriage down on final approach?


Dear Captain Speaking


If I had pilot’s cap for every time I’ve been asked this, I would be flying the world in one of those lie-flat first class cabins so beloved of British Bonkways, and totally wasted on virgin. As an aviator, I have to assume you are familiar with the proper procedure for such flights of fancy.  They generally include rollback, apply thrust, rotate and take off - in that order.  If you miss out any of these steps, you’ll most likely end up with an embarrassing mess on the gangway, or runway, or both.

The views and opinions expressed are not that necessarily that of the publisher or company. Anything funny or entertaining is.

Complaints should be sent to Ms Dame Ivana directly, but we don’t have her contact details at the moment as she is currently on the run from Interpol.