Beau travel magazines very own"Housewife, Superstar and Travel Guru" Dame Ivana Travelalott answers all your Travel Conundrums 


Dear Ivana


What would you say is the best way to take an invigorating break with a party who are just past the age at which they should be taking invigorating breaks?


Dear Lee Beloved


I always say nothing but the real thing will do.  So no paintballing when you could be out in the jungle actually hunting each other with real weapons.  I mean, who would have watched the Hunger Games if Catniss had a nerf gun instead of a kick-ass crossbow?  Let’s be serious here, Darlings.  Thrill seeking is all very well, and going all commando style in tropical parts can be a liberating experience.  In fact, going commando in the jungle can be really useful, given that toilet facilities are often basic at best in the wild.  Just don’t get caught with your trousers down, especially if crossbows are in play.


Dear Ivana


When on a recent visit to the better galleries of the Riviera, one of our group insisted on regaling us all with their self-appointed expertise in the Impressionist Era.  It was crushingly dull.  Is there any way to gently drop the hint that while some of us struggle with the French text, we are all capable of enjoying the pixelated pastels of Monet and Renoir without a running commentary?


Dear Regatta d”Argentuil (Miss)



Is common saying in my country: those who should - do, those who shouldn’t - do more often.  This appears to be one of those cases.  In my country, the simple expedient of a stiletto to the small of the back usually has the desired effect - although any sort of footwear will do.  If you find that the offending co-traveller still does not get the point, try the French “Ferme la Bouche” and, failing that, it’s more direct Anglo-Saxon equivalent “Put a sock in it, know-all.”

Dear Ivana


As one is not getting any younger, I’ve been thinking about a Highland Fling.  What would be your best advice?


Dear Jock of the New


This is topic I find more often these days dropping through my flap, as my more senior correspondents seek the something wilder than the back garden one more time, before their borders are permanently trimmed, as it were.  The Highland Fling is for the bravehearted, not the fainthearted, so be warned.  Like the rugged terrain it embodies, you can be up one minute, and down the next.  All that heel to heeling and toe to toeing can leave you Eightsome Reeling.  You’ll not know if Charlie is your Darlin’, or Mhairi is on her way to a wedding.  Darlings, judging by the spidery nature of your handwriting, might I suggest starting with a Scots Quair, and see how you get on.

The views and opinions expressed are not that necessarily that of the publisher or company. Anything funny or entertaining is.

Complaints should be sent to Ms Dame Ivana directly, but we don’t have her contact details at the moment as she is currently on the run from Interpol.